Russian men: known for drinking vodka, car-cam videos, and getting off by doing handstands on skyscrapers. You know that one debate the one that goes, would you rather fight a bear or a lion? Well in Russia, it’s the lion and the bear that debate who has to fight a Russian. I’m not saying they are righteous; I’m not saying they are evil. All I’m saying is today’s Russians have a very different way of looking at the physical world and it should be noted. So let’s take a step back, and look into the history of the men who have shaped their folklore. Their stories will help to make sense of Russian culture… kinda.

 

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Grigori_Rasputin

Meet one of these men: Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin, or Rasputin for short (rhymes with ass-putin). What I care to inform you about is his epic death. I don’t know the details of his life story, or even what he stood for. But in order to properly bring you the story of his death, I find it necessary to simplify his rise to fame and power. I have thrown some bullet points out to catch you up to speed… (you can ignore these bullets, like the MAN himself, or read them if interested).

 

  • Rasputin was born a Siberian peasant
  • Saw a vision of the Russian’s version of the Virgin Mary
  • Gained fame
  • Worked for the Russian aristocrats
  • Banged a lot of women
  • Healed some kids
  • Eventually became the whisper inside the head of the Tsar

 

Needless to say, he was power- and power is always followed by envy and distaste. People wanted him dead.  Which bring us to the point in this story where Rasputin should be recognized as the MAN

 

Attempt 1

 

In 1914, a group of women that claimed to have been wronged by Rasputin plotted to murder the MAN. One of these women- pleaded for his help, drew him into an alley, took out a dagger, ripped open his belly, allowed all his entrails to fall out, and declared, “I have killed the antichrist!”

 

What a way to go! Right?… NOPE. He lived on (note: wronging women does not make him the MAN… but surviving after your intestines have leaked out, does).

 

Attempt 2

 

Two years later, this juggernaut of a man was called into a house to help heal a noble man. But in reality, this guy Yusopov, was secretly scheming against our MAN– Rasputin. Knowing Rasputin to be a drunk, Yus fed the MAN alcohol with enough potassium cyanide to kill a man four times over. After consuming all of the poison- Rasputin looked over to Yusopov, gasped for air, and continued to live.

santa-shooting

 

Attempt 3

 

Yus soon realized that the poison wasn’t taking hold and shot the MAN three times in the chest- where Rasputin finally collapsed and closed his eyes…

 

Attempt 4

 

Surprise! This is no average man we are talking about. Rasputin shot back up and tried to strangle Yusopov- yelling some Russian at him: something along the lines of , “You done did yourself, Yus!” A bunch of nobles- who at the time where witnessing the events- ran up on Rasputin, tore him off, and shot him three more times for good measure. He still did not die!

 

hot-dog

 

Attempt 5

 

the MAN was still breathing and even tried to stand up. The gang of men then beat him around- like a piñata at chubby kid’s birthday party. Then- just cause- they guillotined his dick off,  tied him up, and threw him in a below-freezing river.

 

Attempt 6

 

Okay, that attempt number kind of was a throw off. the MAN– Rasputin- did die. It’s hard to bounce back after a dick lopping. His body surfaced two days later and the autopsy attributed his cause of death to drowning. This means that he was still breathing when he was thrown into the river. It was not the poison-it was not the bullets- it was not the bullying-it wasn’t even the castration… It was good ole mother nature that did him off, in the end!

 

CONCLUDING THOUGHTS ABOUT RASPUTIN’S CONCLUSION

 

Listen, like I said earlier, I don’t know what Rasputin stood for. Russian history is complex, interesting, and in the end-makes no sense. Sometimes they are painted as the heroes who stopped the Nazis from spreading to their reaches- like penicillin stopping syphilis on a college campus. Sometimes they’re portrayed as hostile men, who wanted to nuke the entire world. Do not look up to Rasputin for his morals or how he lived his life. Look up to him for the way he went out. the MAN shouldn’t go out without a fight. If you are down on your luck and think there is no hope, remember: there was a MAN still breathing and fighting for his life even after he got his dick ripped off. Thus proving that it’s not the dick that makes the person the MAN– it’s the fight and the endurance he gives when times are at their darkest. That is what makes him the MAN.

 

 

OH! Btw, some of my facts were probably way off. I was just trying to entertain and prove a point. Astheman.com is an entertainment site, not some fact-sharing site. Go read a book or something, if you want factual details. Just know that  this Man existed and died a crazy death…. allegedly.

 

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