Before sending that carefully crafted pickle pic to that special lucky lady in your life, take a deep breath, pull up the pants, and ask yourself the question, “What does she really want for her birthday or Valentines Day?” At as the MAN, we realize it’s hard to pick out that perfect gift for that perfect person in your life. So, that’s why, to get those sweet juices of creativity flowing, we put together the starting lineup for the GIFTS FOR the WOMAN.




Okay, lets be clear, when I say hallmark, I don’t mean that overpriced card company that sells you a piece of paper with some toddler written poem about two trees intertwining their roots in an oasis, surrounded by a parched desert that is feeling envious of the two before it…


Ok, I’m MAN enough to admit that I slightly enjoyed writing that….


HOWEVER, what I’m getting at is there is a very simple route MEN can take to hurdle that overbearing bar of getting a gift. Luckily for MEN like you, there are roses, chocolates, jewelry, and blank cards.


This gifting safe net allows the busy MAN to not look like a jackass in times of desperate need. If you go this route, which is a well-received, socially acceptable, and quick option, make sure you do it right. Send her the basket of goodies during her workday. The only thing better than bragging about what you have is bragging to coworkers about what you have. So, help your better half release as much dopamine as possible, put her in that empowering bragging position, and send her a basket of hallmark stuff.




Let’s face it, material items are dope. Ladies love them, they are useful, they are luxurious, and they show class. However, do you know what is even doper? Yup, your deductive reasoning is on point and based off the sub title, it’s the experience. These are the type of gifts that can transform you and girlfriend’s state of mind eventually creating a lasting memory, all the while building a stronger relationship. It’s a win/ win. She thinks you treating her, when really you are kinda treating yourself.


as the MAN stresses the fact that not all WOMEN are the same! So understand what your lady likes, dislikes, and everything in between. Think about it carefully. If she has a demanding job and is on her feet all the time, take her to a couple’s massage. If she just got her FOID card or Concealed Carry license, take her to the shooting range. If she’s anti gun, then plan a date at a protest. HELL, there are even some WOMEN that are really into drugs, maybe buy that lovely lady some shrooms and boom with her to the stars. Then, directly after, plan a date to go to a narcotics Anonymous meeting (as the MAN doesn’t condone drug use). Whatever the experience is, make sure it’s together. You, as the MAN, will enjoy the time and she’ll enjoy you for it.




Remember growing up? Of course you do. That was a dumb question. How could you forget those days of playing Pokémon until your face turned blue and your fingers turned red? The same days when shoveling ample amounts of Doritos down your throat resulted in no negative consequences. But, more importantly, do you remember getting your mom those carefully fashioned coupon books for Mother’s Day? You know the one I’m talking about, that arts and craft project where you would splotch spirals of Elmers glue, throw that green glitter shit all over it, and then write on each page something like,


“This coupon is good for one free hug!”


“This coupon is good for one ‘I love you’”



Well now you are older, wiser, more mature, and that lady is no longer your mom. So get creative and maybe even get a little bit more seductive… Ideally a lot more seductive.


“This coupon is good for one foot rub.”


“This coupon is good for one ‘you are right honey.’”


“This coupon is good for one engaged watching of House Hunters with you.”


“This coupon is good for one going Down Town…”


You get the idea.



You are a MAN. And as the MAN you are born with the ability to create! I don’t care if it’s a musical tune from a kazoo that only uses the wind from your ass or a poorly written poem about some trees in a desert. You can create! Whatever soulful gift God gave you that allows you to love what you create, forward that creative gift to her. Put time into crafting whatever it is you love while thinking about the one you love and she will love you for it. Show some effort and she will appreciate it. It can be a painting, a poem, a song, a wooden table, a welded bracelet, a nicely prepared dinner, ANYTHING!




So, you made it this far and are still fishing for ideas, huh??…


Maybe you cant afford jewelry,


Maybe you are a hermit that is too afraid to go out in the world,


Maybe you ate too much Elmers glue growing up and you are having bad flashbacks,


Or maybe you are just a plain old boring ham sandwich of a MAN with no innate ability to create!


Whatever it is, I don’t judge. But at this point, if you even have a girlfriend, just get her an Amazon Gift Card. She’ll know what to do with it.





The moral of the line up is a simple one. THE WOMAN DOES NOT CARE ABOUT THE GIFT, SHE CARES ABOUT YOU. You cannot go wrong as long as you put effort into it. But in the end, you are the MAN, and as the MAN you can act in anyway you want. So take my advice or send that ten second snap chat of your polish sausage to let her know what’s up. I really don’t care. The balls in your court.


Smitch  2.6.2017